I remember feeling that way so often when I was in other relationships. With my last real relationship, before Joshua, I was a disaster. He was a disaster. The relationship was just not... well a relationship. He hurt me, I hurt him because he hurt me, and the cycle continued. Looking back at it now, it is like watching one of those drama chick flicks. There's a nice guy trying to woo a girl. He is cute, he cares about her, he wants her to leave her horrible boyfriend... and as you watch this movie, you just want to tell the chick to shut the fuck up about her problems and go for the friend. You can't figure out why she is still with the douche, and why she hasn't noticed the sweetheart next to her. Maybe the reason why I hate those movies, and only watch them when my best friend forces me to (usually with an offer of food), is because that was me. I was that idiot. How could I not see it?
Well, that is actually pretty clear now... it was an addiction. He was an addiction. Three sweet words after a thousand mean ones somehow made it all better. Crazy right? I know this now. I don't see how I couldn't then. Even as I was singing Kelly Clarkson's "Already gone" in my car on the way to work every day, fantasizing about breaking up and moving on... it all disappeared once we were together again. Blech (<--- insert vomit noise at the thought).
By the way, Joshua wasn't the sweet friend either. Joshua I met a little while after I tried to date the sweet friend. He was very sweet, and I hope he has found happiness and a wonderful life. He just didn't spark any real feelings for me. I still felt that addiction for the last guy. But then I met Joshua :)
It didn't even take a week, and it was like... I don't even know. This amazing feeling. I didn't feel like I needed to be around him 24/7, or that I had to hear his voice every day. It wasn't an addiction. It was just a happiness. I just felt happy. I felt happy about who I was. I felt happy about who he was. Even his irritating habits (because everyone has them) weren't that big a deal because I was smiling at them after just a few times. Like when he plays video games, sometimes he gets a super high voice and goes Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! That drove me crazy the first couple of weeks. I was like, wtf dude, chill out! (in my head of course). Now it just makes me laugh :) years later, it just makes me laugh. It never became annoying or irritating again. What a wonderful thing. (not to say he still doesn't have some annoying habits, he could never be my charades partner)
So what does this have to do with songs?
Today I decided to surprise him, by getting him a sub from our favorite sandwich place Captain Nemos. I am watching a friends daughter tonight, starting at the time he gets home (in about 15) until after he is asleep. We won't really see each other today :( so I wanted to get him something special. I also got him coffee, but he knew I was getting that haha.
On the way home, I took our daughter to the park. Since the trip is about a half hour each way, I had my MP3 player with me. I took it out, and started it on shuffle. Dance Floor Anthem by Good Charlotte came on. As I was singing, and bopping my head, like the badass woman with the umbrella stroller carrying a daughter with a yoda hat (complete with pink bow on his ear) that I am... I realized that this was one of those songs that I used to listen to in the before period of my life. One of those songs I put on the playlist simply titled with the before mans name. I still enjoy the song, but it means nothing. Then onto the next song after that one was finished. Same thing. A song that was sad, and all why cant he love me? and what am I doing wrong? Etc. I once again just want to say shut up you fucking idiot and move on. :) But I know it isn't that easy. It seems so easy to look back on it, or to judge someone else on their similar relationships. Even yesterday someone was telling me how they have been trying to get through to their guy for over a year, and how things only change when she threatens to leave. Then they go back to normal. I told her that she only has one life, and she can stick it out, she can try to make it work. I also told her that if she feels like she is wasting her time, then she needs to stop right now. She won't get these years back. She won't be the same person in the future. She said it was good advice, but I doubt she will listen. *sigh* Once you find Mr. Right, it seems so crazy that anyone would want to settle for less. Not to say we don't have our share of problems, we definitely do. (Before you thought we were perfect, I thought I should clarify that)
The only sad part now is that I need to find songs to relate to... *sigh* any suggestions? :P
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